Otherside
by purplepagoda
Summary: Lorelai finds herself stuck at Friday night dinner alone, with her mother. Will a rather twilight-zone like conversation lead to a startling revelation? The answer is certainly not one that Lorelai is expecting.
1. Chapter 1

If there is one thing that she has learned in all of her years it is that life can't be spent in the rearview. Days like today make it difficult to heed her own advice. She sits on the couch, curled up under a blanket. She sips hot cocoa, as the snow blankets itself against her window. The first snow used to be her favorite time of the year. When she inhaled the cold, wet smell it was magical. She stares at the TV, but doesn't hear a word that is said. She is too busy reflecting on a darker time. A chapter that she doesn't read out loud. She pulls the remote control out from behind the couch cushion, and flips off the TV. She sits in silence, and finds herself being drawn deeper, and deeper into the darkness.

* * *

 _Winter 2008- She sits on the bathroom floor, leaning against the wall. She curses the soul who has bestowed this virus upon her. She wears little more than a robe. Eventually she gathers up enough strength to vacate her position on the floor. She brushes her teeth, and exits the bathroom. She opens the door, and finds a familiar face standing in front of her. She furrows her brow._

" _What are you doing here?"_

" _I felt compelled to do a wellness check when you didn't come by and berate me for coffee this morning. You didn't answer your phone, so I thought I would stop by, and make sure that you are still among the living," he informs her._

" _Barely," she responds in a raspy voice._

" _Can I make you breakfast?"_

 _She pushes past him, and collapses onto the couch. "I'm not hungry."_

" _It must really be serious," he insists._

" _Sookie so kindly passed along the stomach virus that her kids had."_

" _What can I do for you?"_

" _Periodically ensure that I haven't slipped into a coma, or drown in the toilet."_

 _He shakes his head, and presses his lips to her forehead. "Do you want me to make you some coffee?"_

" _No."_

" _Call if you need anything."_

 _For the next several days she continues to feel less than her best. On Friday she stops vomiting long enough to attend Friday night dinner. Though she, and Luke have mended fences, and recently began to rekindle their romantic feelings they both agree that it is not yet time to subject their delicate relationship to the scrutiny of Emily Gilmore. When she arrives the maid leads her inside, and takes her coat. She leads her into the parlor, where her mother is waiting her arrival. Lorelai takes a seat on the couch, and looks around the room._

" _Where is dad?" She questions._

" _He is out of town for an alumni function. I told you that last week."_

" _Right," she nods, realizing there is no buffer between them. She feels queasy just considering the thought of being alone with her mother._

" _What are you drinking?"_

" _Just water."_

" _Just water?" Emily responds with an arched eyebrow._

" _I am recovering from a stomach bug. I am taking it slow. I have successfully managed to keep down water, and a cup of jello."_

 _Emily hands Lorelai a glass of water. Instead of crossing the room, to sit on the couch opposite to her daughter, she takes a seat next to her. Lorelai subtly inches away a minute distance. Emily studies Lorelai's facial expression, and body language. Lorelai is astounded by Emily's next move._

" _You look a little piqued. Are you sure you are feeling up to dinner?" Emily responds genuinely._

" _I'm not really that hungry."_

" _You don't have to stay if you aren't feeling well."_

" _I'm okay," Lorelai reassures her._

" _Are you sure?" Emily notes the dark circles under her eyes, "You don't look well, at all."_

" _Do you have something pressing to do?" Lorelai questions._

" _No. I am just concerned about your health."_

 _Lorelai breaks eye contact, and tries to process her mother's sudden concern. Her glance falls on a bowl of fruit sitting on the coffee table. There is a variety of fruit in the decorative bowl. She finds herself salivating. Her attention is diverted when she feels pressure on her leg. She turns towards her mother, and finds Emily's hand against her leg._

" _Are you alright?"_

" _Since when do you put fruit out?" Lorelai responds._

" _Someone sent it to us as a gift. I thought I would show appreciation by displaying it appropriately."_

" _Have you had a stroke?" Lorelai wonders._

 _Emily furrows her brow, "I don't think so."_

" _You are just not yourself tonight," Lorelai remarks._

" _I am not the only one," Emily quips._

" _Obviously, we are both a little off tonight."_

" _Do you want some fruit? Is that why you are asking?"_

" _Apples," she mumbles._

" _Apples?" Emily responds. Before Lorelai can prevent it Emily's head is pressed against her forehead. Lorelai pushes her hand away. "What are you doing?"_

" _I am checking to see if you are fevered. I think that you're delirious."_

" _I am fine. Just ignore me."_

" _You know Vita made ambrosia for dessert. We could always start with dessert, if you think that you could tolerate it."_

" _What would the opposite of Invasion of the body snatchers be?" Lorelai answers._

 _Emily shakes her head, "I have not been replaced by someone else. You obviously are not feeling well."_

" _You typically are not this concerned," Lorelai points out._

" _Apples," Emily answers._

" _What is going on, here? I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone."_

" _Déjà vu," Emily replies._

 _Lorelai takes a moment to process what is going on. She furrows her brow trying to figure out why her mother is showing concern. The paradigm shift is making her feel disoriented. She wonders if it is simply because she is sick._

" _What do you mean?" Lorelai tries to read her mother's facial expression._

" _Are you pregnant?" Emily asks, bluntly._


	2. Chapter 2

" _What?! Why would you ask me such a thing?"_

" _I distinctly remember before you told us that you were pregnant with Rory we were supposed to have apple pie. One week the maid ran out of apples. I blamed her, but she agreed that she would make it the next week. The next week came, and her apples were gone again. As I recall you ate all the apples, which nobody understood, because you have been known for your distinct disdain of fruits, and vegetables."_

" _You jumped to that conclusion, because I noticed the fruit bowl?"_

" _I think it is a valid question," Emily insists._

" _I feel as if I am suddenly in some alternate universe."_

 _Emily rolls her eyes, "It is a simple question."_

" _Is it, really? I am forty years old. What is the likelihood of me being pregnant?"_

" _Lorelai I know how old you are. That does not answer what I asked you."_

 _Lorelai ponders the thought for a moment, and then quickly answers, hoping her mother will not take her pause as deceit, "Not to my knowledge."_

" _Are you considering eating that apple?" Emily points to the green apple sitting on the top of the fruit pile that is contained on a bowl atop of her coffee table._

" _I am considering it," she acknowledges, despite the fact she is nearly certain that she is having an out of body experience._

" _So why wouldn't you consider the thought that you might be pregnant? Are you sexually active?"_

" _Emily Gilmore! I am appalled that you would utter such brusque, and inappropriate questions."_

" _I thought it best to ask, instead of assume. At fifteen I would not have assumed that you were sexually active, but you quickly dashed those dreams the day that you announced you were pregnant with Rory. I am simply asking if it is possibility. Have you considered that maybe you do not have stomach virus?"_

 _Lorelai falls silent. Emily abruptly vacates her seat, and rises to her feet._

" _Come on," Emily directs._

 _Lorelai furrows her brow, "Where?"_

" _We have established that you are not hungry, and it is just the two of us. There is absolutely no reason that we cannot put this issue to rest in a prompt manner."_

" _What are you suggesting?"_

" _Get your coat," Emily instructs._

" _Where are we going?"_

" _To the drug store," Emily responds._

 _Lorelai feels weak, and completely caught off guard. Emily hands Lorelai her coat. She retrieves keys, as Lorelai slips her coat on. The entire ride to the drug store is silent. Lorelai's head spins so quickly she is certain it is going to detach itself from her neck, and fly off. Emily parks the car, and looks over at her daughter, who is paler than a ghost on Halloween. Lorelai stares out the front dash in silence. She doesn't move a muscle when the car door opens, as she feels paralyzed. Emily exits the car, and heads into the drug store on her own. Moments later she returns to the car, and hands Lorelai a paper bag. Several minutes later as they pull into the driveway snow begins to fall from the sky. Lorelai follows Emily back into the house. She places her coat on the coatrack, and heads into the bathroom with a brown paper bag in her hands._

 _She closes, and locks the door behind her. She dumps out the contents of the bag. She finds two items. She rips off the top of the box, and pulls out a plastic stick. She goes through the motions, feeling very devoid of emotion. She feels completely caught off guard by the entire situation. She washes her hands, and exits the bathroom. She finds Emily standing outside, waiting on her._

" _Lorelai, are you okay?"_

 _She exhales, "Why did you get me a ring pop?"_

 _Emily shrugs, "I remember how much you enjoyed them when you were younger. You went to the club with your father, and came back with this atrocious, sticky thing on your finger. It caught my eye when I was at the register because it was green apple."_

 _Lorelai nearly smiles, "It's a two pack."_

" _Your point?"_

" _Try it."_

" _Why not? It has been an entirely unconventional night," she admits._

 _Silence befalls them momentarily, as they shift their attention to their candy bling. A few moments pass, and Emily breaks the silence._

" _How long will it take?"_

" _Five minutes. It has already been," she pauses to look at her watch, "Three."_

" _I gather from your reaction you are pretty caught off guard," Emily asserts._

" _Sookie had a stomach virus last week. It was the most logical explanation to me. I didn't consider any other possibilities."_

 _Emily grins, and Lorelai furrows her brow in confusion. "I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with you, I was insistent that the doctor was wrong. We had gotten back from Europe a few weeks before. I was concerned because I hadn't recovered from the bug I picked up while I was there."_

" _How long did you consider naming me bug?"_

" _When you were an infant your father would refer to you as bug, and I detested it. I told him he was going to give you a complex."_

" _You made him stop," Lorelai assumes._

" _Of course. You had a name, and it was not bug. He would come home and ask where his little bug was. It was ridiculous, really."_

 _Lorelai glances at her watch, "Time's up."_

" _I'll wait here," Emily agrees._

 _Lorelai returns to the bathroom. She carefully studies the plastic stick lying on the bathroom counter. She grabs a tissue, and lifts the item off the counter. She carries it out into the hallway._

" _Maybe you should have gotten two. I don't know that these are entirely accurate."_

 _Emily takes a step forward, and glances at the pregnancy test in Lorelai's hand._


	3. Chapter 3

" _You know that I hate to admit that you are right."_

" _It is part of our dynamic," Emily points out, "I won't make you admit it. The proof is in the pudding."_

" _This is far more serious than pudding."_

" _It is nearly as serious as ambrosia," Emily jests._

 _Lorelai rolls her eyes at her mother's flawed attempt at humor, "This is not funny."_

" _You're right it is very serious," Emily agrees._

" _And seriously unexpected."_

" _I think that it is splendid."_

" _Splendid? I am old," Lorelai argues._

" _I disagree."_

" _I am too old to be in this state."_

 _Emily chuckles, "I would think that you would figure out what caused pregnancy by now."_

" _Mother! This is not funny. I am too old to be starting over. What am I supposed to do with a baby?" Her pulse begins to race._

" _Calm down."_

" _Calm down! Did you miss the part where the line turned pink? It wasn't supposed to turn pink. I am grossly unprepared for this," she begins to rant as her anxiety rises._

" _Do you want to sit down?" Emily questions._

 _Lorelai nods, and lowers herself to the floor._

" _I meant in a chair."_

" _I feel sick," Lorelai insists._

 _Emily reluctantly takes a seat on the floor, near Lorelai._

" _Look at me! Everything is going to be fine. You aren't a teenager anymore. You raised a perfectly capable, well-adjusted human being. You are great mother. You can do this. You are just in shock."_

 _Lorelai falls silent, trying to process what her mother has just said, "But what if something goes wrong?"_

" _You are far more equipped to deal with it now than you were the first time around. You have a car, and a house. You aren't married, but I assume there is another reasonably responsible adult involved in the situation. You love new baby smell."_

" _How would you know?"_

" _You professed your love of new baby smell through endless nights of crying. Every time you are around a baby you inhale their scent as if they are a scratch and sniff sticker."_

" _What do you know about scratch, and sniffs?"_

" _Very little, but I know you. I know you better, than you would care to admit."_

 _Lorelai breaks eye contact, and shifts her glance to the plastic stick in her hand._

" _I'm pregnant."_

" _I think it is splendid."_

" _I feel nauseated."_

 _Weeks pass as she mulls over the news. She keeps the information to herself, as she tries to process it. She feels more caught off guard than when she realized she was pregnant with Rory. She is sitting on the couch in her living room, when someone starts knocking at the door. She vacates her seat, and opens the door. Luke comes in, and looks at her expectantly._

" _What is the emergency?"_

" _I need to talk to you."_

" _About what?"_

" _Have a seat," she points to the couch._

 _He takes a seat, she chooses to stand._

" _I am not really sure where so start, so I think that I will just let the evidence speak for itself."_

 _He furrows his brow, "I realize that most of the time I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about."_

" _I have prepared entertainment for the evening."_

" _You brought me over here to watch a movie?"_

" _Yes, and no. It is short, and to the point," she presses a button on the remote._

 _The feature begins, and Luke stares at the screen in confusion. After about a minute Lorelai pauses the DVD player. Luke looks up at her._

" _I don't understand. Why would a movie open with this?"_

" _Maybe you should look a little closer," Lorelai suggests._

" _I can clearly see that it is one of those things."_

" _Things?"_

" _It's grainy, and black, and white. It screams low budget. What director would start out a movie with an unborn baby?"_

" _Can you read the top of the screen?" Lorelai questions._

 _He scoots to the edge of the seat, and squints. Eventually he makes out the words._

" _Why does it say your name?"_

 _She puts her hands on her hips, as she shrugs. She allows him to marinate on the thought for a moment._

" _It wouldn't be right to put your name on it," she quips._

" _My name? What has this got to do with me?"_

 _Her eyes widen, "You are partially responsible."_

" _For this movie?"_

" _Luke!"_

" _What?!"_

" _This is not a feature film. That unborn baby on the screen is mine."_

" _Oh. Oh! You're pregnant?"_

 _She nods, "Yes."_

" _Wow! That's great news!"_

" _I am glad you are excited, because you are the father."_

" _What?! Say again."_

" _We," she points to herself, and then to him, "are going to have a baby. The two of us are going to have a baby."_

" _Excuse me?"_

" _I am pregnant, and you are the party responsible for the other half of the baby's genetic code."_

" _We are going to have a baby?"_

" _Yes," she nods in confirmation._

" _Together?"_

" _Yes," she nods again._

" _Are you sure?"_

" _I am certain."_

" _How long have you know?"_

" _I found out a few weeks ago," she admits._

" _Why didn't you tell me sooner?" He responds with a hint of pain in his voice._

" _I am no spring chicken. I wanted to wait until I had the sonogram to make sure everything is okay, before I told you. It took me a couple of weeks to get into the doctor."_

" _So how far along are you?"_

" _Eleven weeks," she reveals._

" _Oh, wow!"_

" _Look, you don't have to say anything. I know that this is a bit of a shock. It caught me completely off guard, too. Sleep on it. Take some time to process. I just thought that you should know."_

 _His glance shifts to the DVD player. "Can I borrow this?"_

" _Sure," she agrees._


	4. Chapter 4

_She is lying in bed, sound asleep, when she hears footsteps creaking on the floorboards outside of her room. She groggily opens her eyes, and looks around the room. She hears the hinges of her door squeak. Her breath hitches at a figure appears in her doorway. She glances at the clock, and inwardly groans, noting that it says, 4:09._

" _Lorelai," she hears a familiar voice utter her name._

 _Her racing heart begins to slow. She shifts into a sitting position, and flips on the lamp sitting on her bedside stand. She furrows her brow as the figure approaches the bed. She scoots towards the middle of the bed, and he takes a seat next to her._

" _Luke what are you doing here? Do you have any idea what time it is?"_

" _I'm sorry, I couldn't sleep," he admits._

" _It is barely four o'clock in the morning," she points out._

" _I was so caught off guard that I didn't even think to ask you how you're feeling."_

" _Other than the persistent, and constant state of nausea?"_

" _I'm serious."_

 _She locks eyes with him. She knows that he can read her, and that lying will be futile. She exhales, and opts for the truth._

" _Luke I am terrified."_

" _Terrified? Why are you terrified? You are an excellent parent."_

" _It isn't that."_

" _You seem very preoccupied. Is something wrong?"_

" _Not to my knowledge."_

" _I don't mean with the baby," he clarifies._

" _It is probably nothing," she insists._

" _Obviously it is something. You seem more upset than excited."_

" _I was not expecting this. We still cannot seem to figure out where we are going. Things at the inn couldn't be busier. My nest is finally empty. I raised my baby, and I thought that I was done."_

" _Are you saying that you don't want to have this baby?"_

 _She shakes her head, "That is most definitely not what I am saying. I was sixteen when I had Rory, and I knew absolutely nothing about being anyone's everything. I know more now, and it is worrisome. What if because of lack of planning on my part equates to something being wrong with the baby? What if I am too old? What if I have to do this on my own? I don't know if I can do this again on my own. I…"_

 _He cuts her off, "I am right here."_

" _At four o'clock in the morning," she adds._

" _Lorelai I am not going anywhere. Whatever happens between the two of us is irrelevant. I think that we can both agree that we are committed to raising a successful, well-rounded human being."_

" _What if something goes wrong?"_

" _We will deal with it, together."_

" _What if it is too much for one of us?"_

" _We are in this together," he reminds her._

" _Do you know how much more likely it is to have a baby with a genetic disorder after age thirty five?"_

" _What is going on with you? You never worry like this."_

" _Luke, I can't explain it. In the pit of my stomach I just feel like something is wrong."_

 _He presses his lips to her forehead. He brushes stray hairs out of her face. He settles in next to her, draping his arm round her. He squeezes her close to his side._

* * *

 _She takes a seat at the kitchen table. He positions himself in the seat next to her. They have just returned from a doctor's appointment. The entire car ride home was enveloped in silence. He reaches over, and takes her hand. He squeezes her hand reassuringly._

" _Lorelai," he calls her name._

 _Finally she makes eye contact with him, "Yes?"_

" _Are you hungry?"_

" _No," she shakes her head._

" _It is time to start telling people. I have given you a lot of latitude. You haven't even told Rory. You didn't even mention it to her when she was home for Christmas."_

" _I know."_

" _The results of the amniocentesis came back perfectly fine. They didn't find any genetic defects. You are well into your second trimester. You are nearly half-way through the pregnancy. Don't you think that it is time to start telling people?"_

" _Yes."_

 _He studies her facial expression. He furrows his brow, "Why do you have that guilty look on your face?"_

" _I told you that I could wait. We agreed."_

" _To find out the gender?"_

 _She nods, "But I couldn't. You went to the bathroom, and I looked in the envelope."_

" _What?!"_

 _For the first time in a while her lips creep into a smile. "I looked."_

" _It's a girl, isn't it?"_

" _Is that what you think?"_

" _Yes."_

" _You are so wrong."_

" _What?!"_

" _We are having a boy."_

" _A boy? We are going to have a son?"_

" _Yes," she squeals._

 _That night she wakes up abruptly, and rockets into a sitting position. Luke lies next to her, sound asleep, and sawing logs. She finds herself in a cold sweat. It is the nightmare again. Every time it is the same. One minute she is pregnant, and the next she isn't. In the next instant she realizes there is no baby. The dream is vivid, and terrifying every single time. Tears roll down her face. She hasn't told him about the dreams, even though she has been having them nearly every night since she found out. She slips out of bed, and heads down the stairs, with her phone in hand._

 _She tiptoes into Rory's room, closing the door behind her. She takes a seat on Rory's bed, and flips on the light. She glances at the clock, briefly, and then hits number one on her speed dial. After two rings a familiar voice answers._

" _It is five o'clock in the morning, why are you calling me?" Rory groans._

" _I needed to talk to you."_

" _Is someone dead?"_

" _No. Rory, just listen."_

" _Mom, can't it wait?"_

" _No. I need to tell you."_

" _Tell me what?" Rory yawns._

" _You are going to be a big sister."_

" _Mom, what are you talking about? I already am."_

" _Again," Lorelai responds._

" _Dad got someone else knocked up?"_

" _No."_

" _I don't understand," Rory admits._

" _I'm pregnant."_

" _What?! Is this some kind of April fool's joke?"_

" _It is January 24_ _th_ _," she points out._

" _Pregnant? Are you sure? Maybe you are just going into menopause."_

" _Rory I am not going into menopause. I am pregnant."_

" _How do you know?"_

" _I just had a doctor's appointment yesterday. I can feel the baby kick."_


	5. Chapter 5

" _How far along are you?" Rory sits up in bed, suddenly feeling very awake._

" _Nineteen weeks," she admits._

" _Why am I just now finding out? How long have you known?"_

" _A while."_

" _Why didn't you tell me?"_

" _I was nervous."_

" _About how I would react?"_

" _No. I was afraid something was wrong."_

 _Rory waits a beat before she responds. She picks up on a shakiness in her mother's voice. "Is something wrong?"_

" _No."_

" _You sound worried. Is everything okay?"_

" _I keep having this recurring dream."_

" _I'm listening."_

" _In the dream I go to sleep, and I am heavily pregnant. When I wake up I'm not pregnant. I search all over the house, and I can't find the baby anywhere. When I get to the kitchen Luke is there, and by this point I am panicking. He tells me to calm down."_

" _As if that has ever worked."_

" _I ask him where the baby is, and he tells me that we lost the baby."_

" _Mom everything is going to be okay."_

" _I feel very anxious about all of this. I am not young anymore. I am finally starting to feel as if I don't want to puke every second of every day. Luke keeps suggesting that we tell people, and I am terrified."_

" _That something is wrong?"_

" _Yes. I have ample evidence to the contrary."_

" _It is going to be okay," Rory reassures her._

" _Luke keeps saying that."_

" _Why don't you believe him?"_

" _It is completely irrational," she admits._

" _Do you want me to come home?"_

" _I'll be okay."_

* * *

At first she doesn't register that anyone is trying to get her attention. She sits on the couch, with her legs folded underneath her. Her lap is covered in a blanket. She stares blankly at the coffee table, where her empty coffee cup sits. She looks up, and finds Luke standing at the edge of the couch.

"Lorelai?"

"Hm?"

"I have called your name fifteen times."

"I'm sorry," she apologizes.

"Are you okay?"

"Fine," she lies.

"What do you want to eat?"

"I'm not hungry. I think I am going to go for a walk."

"Do you want me to go with you?"

"No," she shakes her head as she pushes the blanket off her lap. He watches her as she takes off through the front door. She inhales the cool winter air. The snow has kissed the ground. She wears her boots, and coat. She ignores the cold winter air that hits her cheeks as the wind blows.

"Stupid snow," she curses under her breath.

As she walks she knows that her lungs should be expanding with air. Instead, she feels as if she is drowning. She makes it as far as the garage on her trek. She tugs open, the door, and steps inside. She takes as seat on a lawn chair, and blankly stares at a sea of cardboard boxes. She hears a door close, and hears steps moving towards her. Finally she feels as if someone's eyes are going to bore through her. She hears a sigh, and a hand touches her shoulder.

"Enough! I am not going to keep doing this. I am not going to let you keep doing this to yourself. We are getting rid of this stuff," he tells her.

She turns around to face him. She quickly vacates her seat, and rises from her chair. She moves until her body is against his. He wraps his arms around her, and holds her close.

"Lorelai we can't keep doing this. It isn't healthy."

"Every single time I think I am strong enough to face it I am wrong. Every time I allow myself to go to that place I just feel like I can't breathe."

"We can't keep living like this," he points out, "We have to move on."

"I don't know how. Where would I even start?"

"It is time to start talking about it," he tells her.

"I wouldn't know where to begin."

"I am right here. You are not going to scare me. I am not going to cut and run. I am here no matter what. Take it out on me."

"It feels like someone stuck a dagger in my heart, and twisted it around for a while, and then just left it there."

He presses his lips against her forehead. He exhales, and struggles to keep his own tears at bay.

"Let's go back inside," he suggests.

She nods. He closes the garage up as she turns to go back to the house. She collapses on the couch, without even removing her jacket. He enters the house, and slides under her legs.

"It's okay to be angry. It is okay to be hurt."

"Stupid snow," she tells him.

"The snow makes the world new again," he reminds her.

"And the wounds feel just as fresh."

"Lorelai, I'm right here."

She falls silent. She doesn't respond to him. He sees her slipping further away with each passing day. She has become a shell of the person that she used to be. Her smile is now nearly as rare as the hope diamond. She doesn't laugh at stupid jokes, or dance in the living room for no apparent reason. Times have been dark, and the darkness has returned to her blue eyes. His mind begins to wander. He can see she is tired. There are dark circles under her eyes. She hasn't been sleeping again. She is up and down all hours of the night. It reminds him of a time just a few years ago.

* * *

 _Christmas 2013-_

 _He comes downstairs, and finds her sitting on the kitchen floor. She sits on the kitchen floor in his white t-shirt. He studies the floor, and finds that it is covered in pills. An empty mug rests between her legs. Her hair is barely secured by a ponytail holder. He looks at her feeling concerned, and bewildered._

" _What the hell are you doing?" He asks harshly._

" _I don't want to do this anymore. Nothing works. Nothing helps. I can't stay on this damn merry-go-round!"_

" _What is all over the floor?"_

" _I dropped them. Then I just got so angry. They aren't helping. How many different drugs have I tired?"_

" _Lorelai, you're being unreasonable."_

 _She reaches beside her left leg, and lifts up a clear Tupperware container full of prescription drugs._

" _First there was the buspar," she proceeds to dump the bottle all over the floor._

" _Stop!"_

" _Then there was the Lexapro," another bottle of pills ends up on the floor, "Celexa, and Remeron. Effexor."_

 _He watches in horror as more and more pills end up on the kitchen floor._

" _Paxil, Zoloft, Prozac. Vistaril for anxiety, and then on to Xanax. Trazodone for sleep, which was as effective as drinking a glass of water. Ambien, which just made everything worse. None of this is helping! Clearly I am beyond help!"_

 _They allow themselves to be enveloped by silence, and grief as they remain in the kitchen on that cold Christmas morning. She doesn't move a muscle. She doesn't even attempt to refill her cup of coffee. The two of the stare at the hundreds of pills lying on the floor. There are a multitude of colors, and shapes on the floor in front of them. Finally she has had the guts to say what is on everyone's mind._


	6. Chapter 6

_She breathes a sigh of relief as they place the brand new baby boy on her chest. He is two weeks past his due date, with the fat rolls to prove it. He is gorgeous, and pink. His slimy head is covered in dark hair. Lorelai is drenched in sweat after nine hours of labor. Finally after all of this time they have met the fruits of their labor. The baby cries like a drunken sailor who has missed his ship in port. Lorelai stares at the beautiful, plump baby boy._

" _Liam, we have been waiting on your for so long," she grins. She feels a brief sense of relief._

 _Luke stares at her, and then shifts his glance to his son. Not once has she mentioned his name before this moment. They lift the baby off her chest. After some assessment, and bathing he is quickly returned to his mother. After the hubbub is over Luke, and Lorelai relish the time alone with their brand new baby boy._

 _She stares at the ten pound newborn boy who rests in her arms. He stares up at her. His cheeks are chubby. She has already counted his fingers, and his toes. She has scoured every inch of him. She presses her lips to his forehead._

" _He's perfect," she insists as she offers him to his dad._

 _He takes a seat on the edge of the bed. He holds the baby between them. He smiles widely._

" _How long have you had a name picked out?"_

" _Not until I saw him," she responds._

" _There are a lot of people in the waiting room. Don't you think we should tell them that he finally made his fashionably late entrance?"_

" _Yes, but there are so many of them. I just want Rory."_

" _Okay."_

 _He vacates his seat, and exits the room. She is overwhelmed by joy. The nagging feeling that something isn't right doesn't is not totally mollified by the newborn baby in her arms._

* * *

 _3 AM_

 _She rolls over, and looks at the clock. She wakes up the same time every single night, despite the fact that her now ten week old son has been sleeping through the night for weeks. She flips on the lamp, and crosses the room to his crib. Much to Luke's dismay she has insisted on keeping the baby in their room. She pads across the room, stopping in front of the crib. Nestled in a firetruck sleeper is their sweet baby boy. She feels her anxiety rise, despite the fact that he sleeps soundly every single night._

 _Maybe a little too soundly, she tells herself. She lifts the baby out of the crib. She situates him in her arms. The second his cheek touches her arm she can tell something is wrong. He opens his eyes, and begins to wail. He is burning up. She carries him over to the bed, and quickly removes his pajamas. She places him over her shoulder, and begins to pat him. By this point Luke is awake. He rubs his eyes, and tries to discern what is going on._

" _Lorelai, what's wrong?"_

" _I need you to go downstairs and get his thermometer."_

" _Okay," he agrees._

 _Within sixty seconds Luke has returned with the baby thermometer. Lorelai waits nervously, as the thermometer reads. Finally it beeps. She checks it twice._

" _That is too high. We're going to the ER."_

" _I don't understand. He was fine at eleven o'clock," Luke adds._

 _They wait in triage for over an hour. Lorelai does everything to console the baby, but nothing works. Eventually they are called back into one of the exam rooms. It is another forty minutes before the doctor arrives. By the time he enters the room Liam has finally fallen asleep._

 _The next hour is a whirlwind. Neither Luke, nor Lorelai can get any medical personnel to tell them what is going on. They go from one imaging area to the next. They watch in horror as someone sticks a needle in the baby's spine. Eventually the doctor returns to the room with the med-flight crew._

" _What is going on here? Can you please tell us what is going on? You have taken a dozen different images of him. He is ten weeks old."_

" _Miss Gilmore we are going to transfer Liam to a hospital with a neonatal intensive care unit."_

" _Why?" Luke queries._

" _The tests that we did concluded that Liam has meningitis. We have to start some very aggressive treatment very quickly."_

 _Lorelai feels as if her whole world has been turned upside down in a single second. Her heart drops. The next thing she knows they are being ushered into a helicopter, with their son in an incubator. The med-flight personnel stops them._

" _Only one of you can go," he tells them._

 _By this point tears are streaming down her face. Luke speaks up, "She should go."_

 _They nod, and usher her into the plane._

* * *

 _Three days later she lies in her bed, unwilling to get up. She hears voices, and footsteps, but she doesn't budge. Someone pulls back the covers, and climbs in next to her._

" _Mom," Rory interrupts._

" _Go away."_

" _You have to come downstairs. It is time to go."_

" _I'm not coming."_

" _You have to come. Everyone is here. You need to get dressed."_

" _Rory I can't do this. I am not getting out of this bed. I am not going to drive across town so that I can watch more of my worst nightmare unfold before my eyes."_

" _I know this is hard…"_

 _Lorelai cuts her off, "You have absolutely no idea what this feels like."_

" _You're right. I don't. I have no idea what it is like to have to watch your child be buried. You can't just lie here in denial. It doesn't get you anywhere."_

" _Please, just go," Lorelai begs._

 _Rory walks away. Lorelai stays in bed. Rory exits the room, and finds Luke waiting in the hallway. He looks at her expectantly. Rory shakes her head._

" _She's not coming."  
_


	7. Chapter 7

She sits in the room, in silence. She isn't certain why she has been summoned to this particular location on a Tuesday afternoon. She stares at her mother as she enters the room. Without a single word Emily takes a seat next to her. She places her hand on her leg. Lorelai stares into her brown eyes waiting for some explanation, or indication of what is going on. Finally she decides to shatter the silence.

"Mom, what am I doing here?"

"I need you to tell me what's going on."

"What are you talking about?" She arches her eyebrows.

"If you don't talk to me I am going to have to see to it that you talk to someone."

"What are you suggesting?"

"I think that it would be reasonably prudent for you to talk to a professional."

Lorelai's nostrils flare, and her cheeks redden as she shakes her head, "Unbelievable."

"I know…"

Lorelai cuts her off, "You know nothing."

Emily nods, "You are probably right. I don't know anything about any of this. You never let me in. You never open up to me. I know that you and Rory have a different relationship than we do, but I am still your mother!"

Lorelai exhales, "I see my therapist on a regular basis."

"You do?"

Lorelai nods, "I have for years. Though I don't know why, it doesn't really help."

"I didn't know that. You never mentioned it."

"It isn't something that I talk about."

"That is the problem. You used to talk incessantly. Now you don't say anything. I can't even get you to make some ridiculous joke, or sardonic remark."

"I am sorry that I am not the person that I used to be."

"Lorelai what is going on? You have been incredibly introspective lately. What's going on?"

"I don't know if I can do this."

Emily furrows her brow, "Do what?"

"My entire life was turned upside down."

"I know. I was there."

The tears begin falling from her eyes, "I know. It seems as if no one understands the magnitude. I think they feel as if I should have grieved the loss by now."

"I don't think that, for a minute. It must take a lifetime to grieve the loss of a child. That may not even be long enough. We all loved that little boy, and to have him taken away to abruptly is something that I know _I_ will never get over. How could you be expected to?"

"This is a hard time of year for me."

"I can imagine."

"The rest of the world moved on, but part of my world ended on that day. The first snow always brings up all of those feelings I tamp down the entire rest of the year. I found out about his existence on the first snow that year."

"You know that there wasn't anything you could have done. You know that, right?"

"It doesn't make it any easier."

"You seem sadder than usual. Lorelai, you can shut me out forever, if you would like. I know that you see me as the enemy, but at the end of the day I am still your mother."

Lorelai stares into her brown eyes. She picks up on the worried look in her mother's eyes.

"I acted very poorly when Liam died, and I pushed a lot of people away. My relationship with Rory hasn't been the same since. We work on it every day, but it still isn't what it used to be."

"Because you lock her out, just like the rest of the world."

"I just don't want to drag her into the darkness with me. No one should have to face such a thing. I don't want to subject anyone else to it."

"You don't have to go it alone. We are all here for you."

"It isn't that simple. I never considered wanting another child, after Rory. Then there he was all of a sudden, and I couldn't imagine not wanting him there with me. He should be here now. Sometimes I find myself wondering who he would be today. What would he look like? How would he act? I will never know," her cheeks sting with tears. "Part of me is always going to be missing. I can never get him back."

"Now you're forty eight, and Rory is grown, and out of the house. It is just you, and Luke. Opportunity doesn't come knocking anymore."

Lorelai nods, "It is so quiet. He never brought up trying for another baby. I always felt like I robbed him of the opportunity to get to raise a child of his own. He refused to leave my side, even though I gave him plenty of reasons to. Maybe he never pressed the issue, because he felt that neither one of us had the heart to go through any of it again."

"So how are you going to move on?"

"Most days I simply don't know."

"So what has you so down, lately?"

"The realization that it's too late. My opportunity to move on, has passed me by. I guess that I am just having a hard time coming to terms with that."

"I see. Have you told Luke?"

"We can barely get through the grocery list without me in tears."

"You have to tell him."

"And say what? I am sorry that I have been so hard to live with for the past seven years. You have put up with all of my crap, and I have nothing to give you in return. I can't change the past. Oh, and by the way, we avoided the discussion of considering the possibility of another child so long that now we can't have one? Which by the way, is my fault, because men can sire offspring until they keel over dead?"

Emily shakes her head, "I would consider broaching the subject with a less dramatic flare, and a different tone of voice."

Lorelai just shakes her head.


	8. Chapter 8

Lorelai is ten minutes from her house, when her primary care doctor calls her. She presses talk, and puts the phone to her ear.

"Miss Gilmore, Dr Graham would like you to come to the office. He wants to go over some of the test results from your annual exams with you."

"I was just there yesterday. Do I need to make an appointment?"

"He said you could come in anytime today."

"I am in Hartford now. I could be there in ten minutes."

"We will see you then."

She hangs up, and the nagging feeling she has been having periodically since her appointment returns. Her mind races as she heads towards the doctor's office. She wonders what could be wrong. He insisted on her participating in a mammogram earlier in the year, which came back clean. He performed a whole slew of lab tests with her physical exam this year. He checked her thyroid, and her liver, and her kidneys. He wanted to evaluate hormone levels. He explained he was going to check her B-12, and vitamin D, and calcium levels. After the fifth, or sixth test, she had stopped listening. She left his office to have her lab work drawn. It seemed like they removed twelve vials of blood from her, before sending her off.

She pulls into a parking space, and enters the office. She announces her presence to the receptionist, and expects to be corralled into the waiting room. Instead the cheerful twenty-something just smiles at her, and says, "Jenny will take you back." Lorelai furrows her brow. She has been seeing this particular primary care physician for more than ten years. He was an excellent doctor, but she fails to recall a single visit, in which she did not have to cool her heels in the waiting room for at least twenty minutes before her visit. Jenny leads her into an exam room.

"Have a seat," she instructs, "He will be right in."

Lorelai takes a seat in a chair, in the corner of the room. She glances at her wristwatch, expecting to wait fifteen to twenty minutes. The second she picks up March's issue of Vanity Fair there is a knock on the door. She looks up in time to see Dr. Graham crossing the threshold. He carries a manila folder as he closes the door. He stops in front of her, and extends his hand.

"How are you doing this afternoon, Lorelai?" He queries.

"I am not sure. Why don't you tell me? I am a little confused as to what I am doing here."

"I wanted to go over your test results with you," he answers, as he takes a seat on a wheeled stool.

"Let me guess, my cholesterol is elevated, and my triglycerides are out of this world."

"Actually they are better than last year," he admits, "Still slightly elevated, but they are improving."

"Luke keeps putting vegetables on my plate. After all of this time I have gotten tired of arguing with him. I eat half of them, and feed the rest of them to Paul Anka."

"I have a four year old who does that," he comments with a grin.

"We didn't have a dog when I was four."

"I didn't call you in here because of your cholesterol," he admits.

"Then why am I here?"

"Let's start with the easiest of the results first. You have a vitamin D deficiency. I am going to suggest a supplement."

"I will likely ignore that suggestion."

"You often ignore my suggestions," he points out.

"Why did you call me back into your office to discuss this?"

"I noted you came in for your annual exam a little earlier than usual."

"I usually only come every three years," she reminds him.

"You were just here last year. You were mentioning some symptoms that can be consistent with menopause," he reviews his notes, "Fatigue, and irritability, and hot flashes. We checked your hormone levels. They were definitely abnormal."

"So I am going into menopause?"

He flips through his notes, "When was your last menstrual period?"

She shrugs, "I don't know, sometime in July, maybe."

"I see," he makes a note. "Are you familiar with my associate, Dr. Jenkins?"

"Should I be?"

"As you know there are several different practices in this building. We are all associated with the local hospital."

"I believe I am aware of that. Why is it pertinent?"

"I am going to pass your case over to Dr. Jenkins."

"Pass my case over? How complicated can my case be? I take no medications, and despite my poor dietary habits I am relatively healthy."

"I have already spoken to Dr. Jenkins about your case. He is expecting you, after you leave here."

"He is expecting me? Why is he expecting me?"

"He is more equipped to handle your case."

"What do you mean? How complicated could it be? I am going through menopause. I am not certain what all the hubbub is about."

"I am going to let him give you that explanation."

"What?"

"He will provide a more succinct answer, than I would. Jenny will show you next door."

She sits in her seat wondering what is going on. The nurse enters the room, and instructs Lorelai to follow her. Jenny leads her to the end of the hallway. She takes her through a door, into an adjacent practice. She anticipates that Jenny will lead her into the waiting room. Once again, she is lead directly into an exam room. She has barely gotten settled in her chair, when Dr. Jenkins enters the room. A tall blonde enters the room. She smiles widely, and looks as if she has just stepped out of medical school. She washes her hands. After drying them she offers her right hand to Lorelai.

"Miss Gilmore, nice to meet you. I am Dr. Jenkins."

"I assumed as much."

"Dr. Graham referred your case to me."

"I don't understand why."


End file.
